we made out on top of his cat.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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