I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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