i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Randomize
