oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
