i jhust puked up my retainher.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize