He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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