I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
