he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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