dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
