Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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