shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
