My vagina just recognized that song.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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