Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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