i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
