Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
