I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
