Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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