Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
