I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
