from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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