my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
