i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
well most of my day revolves around power hour
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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