So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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