happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
