I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
