Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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