the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Blood and glitter go together right?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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