so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
