Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
