yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
