Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
