Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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