i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
