I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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