In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
