Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
