pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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