Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
