alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
