This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
