So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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