so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
