Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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