So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Randomize
