it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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