And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Randomize
