i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
