i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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