Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
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