bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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