Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
