i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
