I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
