And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
