my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
