Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
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You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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