I wish my penis had an off switch
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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