Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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