I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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